We’ve spent nearly the past year living through the COVID-19 pandemic and are going on months of staying at home, social distancing, and facing fear for our health. If I asked what you are learning about yourself during the pandemic, what would your answer be?
Have you have discovered working at home suits you or do you rely on the human connection of others through work and social settings? Do you have a newfound respect for teachers? Have you found little things like dishes in the sink changed from being a big deal to not so much anymore? Or vice versa? Have you turned to food to help you cope or are you exercising more? Do you actually have a love for reality television or still prefer swiping through the endless social media streams? What are your “essential needs” while you’re trapped in the comfort of your own home?
Early in the pandemic, I was in a Zoom meeting and we were asked this very question. I immediately had unexpected emotions stir up. I texted another participant on the call and said, “I do not want to answer this question”. She told me to dodge it, say something quick and upbeat and move along. Oh, the pressure! Suddenly I couldn’t even think of anything upbeat or funny. Minutes passed and then I was on the spot, flinching to keep the tears at bay. I sat there doing the fake smile, trying to push down my emotions. I knew if I spoke, crying would start. The ugly cry kind. I just kept smiling.
At that moment, I reviewed the last six weeks in my head. I felt grief over so many things that had been going great before they came to a screeching halt. My life was writing books, raising funds for a capital campaign, kicking off new videos to support others, tackling fears learning how to date, adjusting nicely to living alone again, and about to book my 50th birthday present to myself—a trip to Hawaii. I declared 2020 as my year of living bold and I was doing it. This girl was in control and thriving.
And there it is. Me believing I am in control. I had some serious goals for the year, but nothing like a pandemic to smack me in the face and remind me I am not in control.
If you follow my story you know I am a self-declared control freak and abandoning that trait has been the most enlightening aspect of my journey going from fat to free. Lack of control triggers all the emotions for me. In a worldwide pandemic, everybody is feeling unsettled and challenged. With all that, we still seem to believe it is not okay to declare when you are struggling and how this year has been really freaking hard. Your hard may be different than mine, but there are few people out there who are not in some sort of turmoil due to coronavirus.
Back on the video chat, the focus was on me, and finally, I chose to be vulnerable. I shared that some days are good and some are really hard. There are days I feel like I’m productive and there are days I stay in pajamas and binge watch something on Netflix. I miss people. I am grieving what was supposed to be. I cried. It was okay. It is okay. This is hard for everyone.
Letting all of that emotion out reminded me of a lesson I discuss in my videos about learning to stop emotionally eating. Let go of outcomes. Sometimes we hold on so tight to anticipating the results of something, we miss the journey and oftentimes lose sight of our goals.
Being able to pivot when unexpected things happen is important. It doesn’t mean it won’t hurt or make you sad or angry. It means you feel it, adjust, and get back on track. It doesn’t matter how you get there. It matters that you do. Your goals didn’t change. This will not be the last time something happens to throw you for a loop. The secret isn’t controlling what happens. The secret is controlling your response.
I still ask myself regularly what I’m learning. Today, I would tell you I enjoy my home office but cannot wait to see my co-workers, friends, and family and hug them all. I do not need shoes on my feet but I love a good fluffy sock or slippers. I chew a lot of gum. I feel a sense of panic about toilet paper even though there is no rational reason behind it. I enjoy gardening and taking walks with my daughter. One of the greatest blessings of all of this has been extra time with her and the opportunity to really get to know the amazing young lady she has become.
I’m still learning. I’m focusing on my goals, grieving what I’ve lost but also re-centering and adjusting to find a new path to the bold and exciting year I can absolutely still have and still deserve.