Were you looking away? Or was I too busy looking down?

A few years ago, I would have had a much different answer. Certainly there is judgement and discrimination toward overweight people. We cause an inconvenience when a situation requires sitting closely or a shared experience like a movie theater or airplane ride. We create a disturbance in any kind of small space, a grocery store aisle or elevator. We may start a weight loss journey many times only to gain it all back, so most people don’t really believe we’re even trying. The common belief or explanation is we are just lazy.

I had a gastric bypass surgeon laugh at me as I declared I was going to try one more thing, Code Red. He said I would not be successful. He actually encouraged me to gain more weight so my insurance would cover the procedure.

When I did start to get healthy, a pharmacist asked why I was cutting back on my diabetes medications. When I told him, his response was, “You’ll be back.” Interactions like these can certainly justify my desire to look down, to avoid eye contact or conversation, to avoid having to explain myself.

Once I started to shed pounds, I began to look up and look around. I was greeted with smiles and well wishes. I have found an increase in interactions, assistance and greetings being initiated by others. At first it was uncomfortable but soon I began to find joy in it. My day would be lifted by a simple hello or an offer to reach something for me off a top shelf. The interaction I quietly craved for many years was becoming less scary and more enjoyable.

I found myself wanting to give that same recognition and affirmation to others. Even more satisfying than being seen is to find someone who may be looking down, hiding or needing help but are to scared to ask and wishing someone would offer it up.

So was it me or was it you?

My answer to the question now is: both. I have no doubt I chose to avoid eye contact, social interaction and most levels of anything that could be defined as intimacy. But it was also very easy to blame others for avoiding me first and to blame society for labeling me an inconvenience or a disturbance.

Now, I accept and take ownership of my choices and the choices I’ve made in the past. I actively chose to keep looking down for years. And then one day I was ready to accept my space in the world, make a change I could control, and look up. My life is my choice.

Tip: Look up. It is beautiful.