In high school, I always felt an intense pressure to be skinnier.

I was not medically overweight but I was certainly bigger than my friends. My mom often cooked for us—good southern cooking and always plentiful. The foods I now refer to as “junk” were easily accessible. My mom once told me when she was a stay-at-home mom one of the things that brought her the greatest pleasure was to spend her day creating snacks ready for us when we got out of school. She did a great job!

As peer pressure increased, I tried to find ways to lose the fat. “Fat free” was the answer-of-the-day for weight loss, or at least it is what we were being told (and sold). I remember shopping with my mom and learning that we could still eat cookies and chips and drink pop because they didn’t have fat. It is shocking to me now how the simple message to “eat real food” has been so lost for so long, and I do believe it played a role in my ride on the diet merry-go-round.

My attempts to lose weight were the same as many⁠—weight watchers, shakes and pills. I even considered the drastic measure of gastric bypass surgery. One of my most extreme and dangerous moments was in high school. I was getting ready to visit friends in Atlanta, Georgia. I had not been back since my parents moved us to Idaho. I was very nervous. A guy I met and liked in Idaho had moved to Georgia so I was planning on seeing him. (Sorry mom, I realize you are probably learning that for the first time.) I was determined to “be skinny” and that meant desperate times called for desperate measures.

I decided to to take Dexatrim, an over the counter supplement for weight loss with caffeine as a main ingredient. I would take several pills at a time, certainly more than the recommended amount. If I remember correctly, you are supposed to take them in the morning to curb your appetite throughout the day. Instead, I took them in the evening so my days were still spent shoving crap in my body. I would get off work, take the pills, go to a deserted parking lot in my neighborhood and ride my ten-speed bike in circles.

I felt high and full of energy. I would spend hours going in circles around and around. When I would come home and get off the bike, I remember my legs wanting to give out. My nights were spent in bed wide awake. I managed to lose the weight I wanted and, thank goodness, somehow avoided any serious consequences from my choice.

It didn’t last long. Of course, as we all know the weight comes back and most times you gain more back than you lost. Years of ups and downs led to me weighing as much as 260 lbs at one point.

I felt desperate for so many years. I wanted different. I wanted to get off the merry-go-round, to get off a bike going in circles. And I had the power inside me to change all along, to jump off, but I chose to stay for so many years. Now that is a hard pill to swallow.

Tip: Sometimes your only transportation is a leap of faith. Jump off the merry-go-round.