How is it possible that I ever looked in a mirror or saw pictures of my fat self and still could convince myself that nobody noticed my size?

I actually spent years avoiding mirrors, cameras, my reflection, even my shadow. If I didn’t see myself, they couldn’t either, right? I felt shame and sadness but somehow I would spend each day believing if I wore big clothes, stayed out of photos and blocked out my reality, no one would notice me.

My denial was to the point I remember one day at the neighborhood pool when I tried to plot how I could get from my lounge chair into the water with my daughter without drawing attention. I remember the moment so clearly, thinking if I could just get in the water, I would be totally hidden. Now, I consider myself a smart woman, but water is clear. Duh.

You may think you are hiding but everyone can see you.

Sitting on the side of the pool is the same as sitting on the sidelines of life and I chose sidelines over and over. I wanted to swim with my daughter. It is why I wrapped my body in the big black bathing suit, but the suit still never hid the fat the way I wished it would. So she was in the pool and I was on a chair staring down at my phone (must avoid eye contact). She asked me to swim many times and I had many excuses and ways to say no.

My most common excuse was “I need to work.” No excuse was good enough, but anything was better than the reality, “I need to avoid taking off my cover-up and walking 10 feet in my bathing suit to get in the pool. I can’t let anyone see me.” In this instance it was the cute dad of her friend that lived down the street. There was no way I was going to let him see me in my bathing suit.

In my journal I wrote how miserably hot the day was, I was sweating and very uncomfortable. I wrote how desperately I wanted to find the strength to get up out of the chair. “Why am I such a chicken shit that I cannot get up off this chair and get in the pool. I am missing out.”

I stayed in the chair. I hid. She swam alone.

I am not sure if it was my weight loss or the fact that I’m later in my 40s—most likely the combination of both—but I finally got myself up off the sidelines. I don’t care what others think. I no longer dodge photos, mirrors or my shadow. It didn’t happen overnight. I did have to train myself to see the real me. Yes, train. It took daily time in the mirror to help my brain see me as I am now. I’ll save that story for another blog. But it has changed my life. I encourage you, look in the mirror and start to accept yourself no matter your size. We all see you and anyone worthy to be in your life does not care about your size. And most importantly, your child does not care. They care about you, your time and your love. Share that with them.

Tip: You very well may need to lose weight but you are also not hiding from anyone. So while you get there, get in the pool. Start living now.