I want to cancel. The text message is written and all I have to do is hit send. My body feels like the blood is racing through my veins at higher speeds and makes me feel like I am shaking, but I am not. My palms are sweating and negative self-talk is seeping in my thoughts trying to help me figure out a plausible excuse that would not scream, “I am a chicken shit!”
Instead, I keep pushing through. I do not hit send. My friend checks on me and I am honest with her that I want to cancel. She does her best to calm my fears. I listen and begin to switch my self talk. I told her I’m scared but I will be there. In the days leading up to it, I still felt anxious and want to cancel but I just keep saying affirmations and reminding myself that I am in control of the steps I am taking. I want to address this fear. It was time.
The morning of, I watched the time pass and delayed getting ready to go. All the “what if’s” racing through my brain and the memories of the last time being so awful. I still knew I was going, but I am a pro at dragging my feet. I was uncomfortable but determined. Finally, I hopped in the car and was on my way, proud I had not canceled.
I was showing up to face my fear of horses. I had an experience when I was little that has led me to keep my distance. I have no doubt it was probably different in reality than my memory, but I also find it so interesting how we build things up in our minds to be different or worse than reality.
When I was young, we were on a family vacation and I pleaded with my parents to ride horses. I remember having no fear of these large animals at the time and more than anything wanted to hop on. My excitement, or maybe constant pleading, finally got to them and they took me to ride.
The smile on my face was huge and I felt so proud sitting on what I am sure was the largest horse ever to walk on this earth. I am pretty sure I was actually on a pony riding around a ring following a circle of many other kids just as excited as I was. Things started off just fine until something spooked this gentle giant and she took off galloping across the ring. I thought she was going to jump the fence and we would be headed right for a road of traffic. I was holding on but felt like I was bouncing right out of the saddle and even though I could not hear anything, my mouth was wide open and I could tell from others’ faces I was screeching, which was certainly not helping the situation.
Thank goodness she came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the fence. It felt like what you see in cartoons where her legs were sliding through the dirt and digging a hole as she slid forward. I remember diving into my mom’s arms and declaring that I was done with horses.
Now, here I am forty years later, finally getting back to trying again. I felt a sense of confidence just showing up and that fueled each next step. Success breeds success. Taking tiny steps is as good as taking any step. It is progress. As the day continued my confidence increased and after several hours I had ridden two horses with someone guiding them, safely walked behind a horse three times (that was hard!), and even rubbed down one horse’s leg and was able to get him to pull it up for me.
I was still uncomfortable through most of it. My fear is not gone but there is a sense of accomplishment that will motivate me to go back and continue to learn to become comfortable riding a horse on my own.
Fear doesn’t disappear in your life but learning how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable will help you try new things. Fear will work hard to talk us out of trying new things. If we let it, it will convince us not to do things that make us feel uncomfortable. Fear is really happy with us not pushing through the anxious feelings, it increases self-sabotaging talk and is pleased to hold us back. You have to decide that you are done letting fear make decisions. You can’t control what happens but you do control you and you get to decide your next steps. You get to decide when enough is enough. You are your greatest protector.
I would be remiss not to share that between the time I made the plans to go ride a horse through the actual experience I never once thought my solution to soothe was to grab food. It did not cross my mind. That is a big deal! That is joy.
I am often asked if the desire to grab food when I am uncomfortable goes away. The truth is, not 100%, but it gets much, much better. It is rare now that it is extremely noticeable or unmanageable because I have the tools to address it.
It is time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Grab a pen and paper and get started. What would be on your list of new things to try?
My day with the horses was not the end. I plan on riding more with the goal of being able to be comfortable riding and leading the horse on my own – outside of a pen. Next on my to-try list? It’s a toss-up between para-sailing and jumping off a cliff into the water.